


A Dwindling, Mercurial High

by wekingsandprettythings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, This Is Sad, i just needed closure, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:55:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wekingsandprettythings/pseuds/wekingsandprettythings
Summary: dean allows himself to grieve for the first time in his life
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jack Kline & Dean Winchester, Jack Kline & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jack Kline & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 65





	A Dwindling, Mercurial High

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this to get my feelings off my chest and cope with not knowing whats coming next but thought I would share and I hope you like it <3

The floor was cold. And damp. He wondered if he was the reason for the added dampness of the room. As the tears kept coming as the sobs went quiet. His heart feeling more crushed now than any of the times some cosmic beings who once held it. 

His phone kept ringing, the sound of the vibration on the concrete echoed against the walls, bouncing off the mental shelves in the corners and ringing in his ears at a deafening volume. He knew he had to tell sam he was okay. He knew he had to help sam in whatever new issue has arisen. 

But he couldn’t. 

For the first time in his whole life, he left himself mourn. Every other time he’s been hurt, every time he felt like his heart was ripped from his chest, he pushed the pain down and defeated the next enemy. There was always an issue that he needed to fix and a person he needed to save because maybe saving more people would prepare the hole in his heart from everyone he’s lost before. 

He sat there and cried and he let himself hurt. He put himself first, because he deserved it for once fucking second he deserved to feel the love, feel the loss. 

He let his heart ache.

He never got to say it back. It sat there on the tip of his tongue, his heart racing in his chest, the hair raising on the back of his neck, the adrenaline of the moment was so intense he froze. 

“Cas,” rolled off his tongue, the “I love you too,” however, took a seat. 

He looked into Castiels eyes, he saw the happiness, the sparkle that he hadn’t seen before. The feeling of Dean just knowing he’s always loved him was so much that he didn’t even need to hear it back. And his smile, his tiny smile and tiny nod was the acknowledgement that he knew Dean felt the same. 

Castiel was smart, he knew Dean like the back of his hand. He knew his trauma and fears and doubts. He knew his intentions were good and his heart was pure and he knew that he wasn’t able to allow himself to feel yet. There was still a part of him that didn’t know if this was written into the chapter or improvised on the spot. He knew Dean was still struggling, he knew he was going through the most trauma he ever has. He knew this information overload would fry his brain and he accepted that Dean wouldn’t be able to say “I Love You” right back. 

“Cas,” he whispered in a moment where the sobs stilled, “if you still have your ears on,” he bit his lip, holding back a sob with his eyes squeezed shut. “I love you.” he sobbed to himself. 

“I’ve always fucking loved you.” 

He couldn’t stop the sobs this time, he whaled and thrashed and threw himself onto the floor even more, like the emotions he hasn’t been allowed to feel for the last 43 years of his life all left his body in one scream. His fists were bloody from smacking the concrete floor, his face was hot and puffy and he couldn’t feel his legs anymore. He was wrecked. 

“Dean?!” he heard the familiar grovelling voice of his distraught brother yelling for him from down the hallway. 

He couldn’t stop crying. He just sobbed, loud and obnoxious enough for Sam to come running. He paused when he saw the scene of Dean all alone, broken and bloody.

“Dean,” he cried at the sight. Dropping to the floor to sweep him up and hold him close. He rocked him back and forth while rubbing his back and Dean sobbed into his shirt. 

Jack stood in the doorway, slackjawed and shocked at the scene unfolding in front of him. He felt the pain radiating off them. He felt Sam’s heart yearn for Eileen the same way Dean’s did for Cas. He watched them bond and grieve in a way he has never seen them act. It was too vulnerable to be real, he blinked like he was hallucinating, like this was some weird hell he was sucked into, to feel the pain of his family being broken apart for the rest of time. 

He could feel Castiel’s presence was gone. His eyes glowed as he dropped to his knees in shock once again at the loss of his father figure. 

“He’s gone,” Dean finally managed to get out. “He told me he loved me and now he’s fucking gone.” he pulled back to look Sam in the eyes. 

They’ve cried together more times than he can count, but never like this. “They’re all gone,” Sam whispered back.

Dean felt his heartbeat still, his breath hitched and he calmed himself down enough to get a sentence out. “He didn’t go like the others. He sacrificed himself for me.” 

“What?” 

“The empty,” Jack replied before Dean could. “When I was dying and you were planning to bring me back Cas had to make a deal with the empty to release me. They wanted to hurt him. They wanted him to suffer as much as they were suffering from being awake. They said they would reap his soul when he was finally happy.”

“How the fuck could this be a happy moment?” Sam exploded.

“Sammy,” Dean whispered, tilting his head to the side as more tears streamed down his cheeks. “Saving me, letting me know he loves me, that made him happy.” 

They both stared at each other in disbelief, “How?” 

“He just told me and then the empty opened up, billy slammed through the door and they were all gone before I could even blink, Sam, what the fuck do I do now?” 

“I don’t know.”

Dean let out a shaky breath, he was so stressed he didn’t know what to do. He looked over at Jack, the poor kid that has done nothing but try his best and get fucked over by the universe. He was written into the Book of Winchester as a weapon, as a tool, as a prop. He only did what he was told, Dean understood that now. 

“Come here kid,” he gestured at Jack.” 

Jack walked over and sat himself down on the concrete beside them. Dean wrapped him up in his arms. “I am so sorry.” 

“You don’t need to be.” 

He held his shoulders and pushed him back to look him in the eyes, “I am sorry. You didn’t deserve this, you are more to me than a weapon or an ally or a friend. I love you, you’re my family.” 

Jack cried, “I love you too,” he replied quietly. A tear dropped down his cheek, “dad.” 

Dean wrapped him in his arms so tight he couldn’t let go. He cried again, holding him with his head in the crook of Jack’s neck. “And Cas loved you so much” he reached out for Sam and pulled him into the hug, “he said he loved all of us.” 

In a weird way, he had never felt more alive than at that moment. He had never felt more real and in control than he has felt in his whole life. He was feeling, he was computing the feelings and allowing himself to feel them. 

He didn’t know what to do next, none of them did. So they sat there, and they hugged and they cried and they felt. It was so emotionally overwhelming Dean felt like he was suffocating. 

He pulled back and leaned against the wall, he wiped his tears and he let out a deep sigh. “Okay,” he said swallowing deeply, not ready but he had to be.

“Let’s finish this,” Sam said. 

“For Cas,” Jack said with a small smile. 

“For Cas.”


End file.
